breaking my own heart
by kristy87
Summary: Sara and Nick’s relationship grows more serious when he asks her to marry him. Will Grissom take his last chance to win her back? Please Read and review (I’d appreciate it :) Finnished
1. breaking my own heart chapter 1

Okay, this is the second multiple chapter story I wrote….I hope you like it. It's still WIP….but the next chapters will be up soon…I never need long for updates …enjoy reading and please leave some reviews…that would be really nice **-)**

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

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**breaking my own heart**

chapter 1

Watching them broke his heart. Seeing them walking through the hallway, holding hands and kissing each other always let the demand to scream, grow bigger and bigger. He knew he could be the man she was kissing, he knew that he had had the chance to make her happy. He had had the chance to be happy.

"Hey….everything okay with you?…Grissom?"

He finally realized that she stood in his office, leaning against the doorframe.

"Hey.", he said softly.

"Everything okay?"

Nothing was okay…nothing had ever been okay since she and Nick were officially dating each other. "Sorry….I've been lost in thoughts."

"It seemed as I you were miles away.", she said softly, then walked over to him and took seat in the chair in front of his desk. "What were you thinking?"

"Nothing special."

She nodded softly, then bite down on her lip and glanced over to him.

He threw an asking look at her.

"I wanted to ask you something.", she said sounding a little nervous.

"You know that you can ask me what ever you want….we are friends, aren't we.", o how he wished they would be much more than that.

"Why….why do you say it that way?"

"What?"

"Each time you say that we are friends you have this weird undertone in your voice."

"I never noticed that."

"Sure you did…you are Gil Grissom. Mr. I know everything, Mr. Bug guy…"

"…Sara…please."

"Okay, okay.", she smiled softly at him, her eyes seemed to concentrate on him, it was as if she was looking at him and tried to perceive the way he looked like, as if she'd never see him again. "Grissom, what do you think about Nick and me?"

"You're both great CSIs."

"No, I meant _Nick and me_ as a couple."

He knew exactly what she had meant with her question, but he couldn't tell her that he would love to smash his head against a wall, hit him in his face with a brick, do what ever was hurtful to him, because he had stolen her from him. "Oh…I don't think I am the right person to answer that question."

"But you said you're a friend of mine. I'm asking you as a friend…do you think he's the right one for me?"

"Sara, better ask Catherine."

"I can't ask Catherine. If Catherine finds out that Nick asked me to marry him and that I told him that I need time to think about this, she will kill me."

"Nick asked you to marry him?", he was shocked, not only by these news, but also when he realized how shocked his voice had sounded.

She nodded softly. "Do you think he is the right one for me?"

"Sara…you have to know this on your own…only you can judge this."

She looked down, seeming to be miles away. He knew that this had been his chance…maybe his last chance to show her that he cared for her. He could have told her she should brake up with Nick…but out of some reasons he hadn't had the courage to do so…he wasn't the type of person who let his jealousy take control about his actions and he knew that it would have been more than unfair to destroy her and Nick's relationship out of his jealousy.

"Simply tell me what you think.", she pleaded.

"Does he make you happy?"

"He's the first man who ever made me happy.", she said sounding sad.

Grissom swallowed hard, he knew that she had given him thousands of chances to make her happy, she had waited for him for five years, and he had never found the courage to allow his feelings for her to himself, until he had lost her. In the second that he had realized what was going on between her and Nick he had allowed himself to feel. He had allowed himself to love her, but it had been to late. But what was this now? Was this really a chance for him? A last chance?

"Do you think that you could be happier with someone else?", he wished she'd say something like 'Yes, with you.', but he doubted that she, even if she would still feel something for him, would tell him something like this. Too often he had turned her offers down, too often he had broken her heart.

She sighed, stared at her hands, seeming more than uncomfortable.

"You don't have to answer that…but you should maybe…think about it.", he said softly.

She nodded, then bite down on her lip again. "What if I think so?…what…what if there is someone else that could make me happier?…I…I feel so lost."

"Do you think so?"

She covered her face with her hands, leaning forward, propping her head up with her elbows , that were on the desk. She seemed to cry, Grissom wondered if she really did, his apprehensions proved themselves true when she began to wipe a few tears away from her face. He reached for her wrist and then held her hand.

"Hey…don't worry!", he didn't want her to cry. He wanted her to be the happy, always smiling woman she had become during the last year. It had been a pleasure for him to see her growing stronger and finding her way back on the right track. He had always told himself that he might once be able to show her what he felt for him, and he had hoped, that they could be happy together then. Damning himself for having been too late, he knew he wasn't allowed to destroy her life. He wasn't allowed to destroy her and Nick's relationship. "In my eyes the two of you are a perfect match."

"Really?"

He nodded, confused, because she seemed to be even more sad when he did so. "He loves you Sara!"

"Do you think I could …do you think I could find someone better?…and I want you to answer this question by hearing to what your heart tells you."

"What?"

"Grissom you are controlled by what your head tells you…do me a favor and tell me what your heart thinks."

"Sara this is…idiotic."

"Please.", she pleaded.

"He is the right one for you.", he hoped she would believe him that this answer came from his heart…sure it didn't…his heart told him to grab her and pin her against the wall.

She nodded softly, then stood up and left his office without saying anything, without looking back, without turning around.

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END OF CHAPTER ONE


	2. breaking my own heart chapter 2

Okay, this chapter isn't very long…..

…enjoy reading and please leave some reviews…that would be really nice **-)**

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

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**breaking my own heart**

chapter 2

This was a slap in his face. Sure, she didn't intend to hurt him with her question, how should she know it would hurt him?

But asking him if he'd walk her down the aisle, if he'd do that for her, because he was her best friend. He felt as if he should replace her father. Sure he should. This was the job of a father. He knew that she'd never have a father to walk her down the aisle, he felt sorry for that, but he knew that this would be more than his heart would be able to take.

To walk her down the aisle, to give her to Nick…he had never been a fan of such a symbolism, but now, he hated it even more, because he knew how much it meant to Sara, he knew that she was scared to walk down there alone and he knew that he wasn't able to refuse her request.

There she sat, in front of him, looking at him with this pleading expression in her eyes.

He sighed, trying to not think about the horrible pain in his heart, trying to forget about his feelings for her for a second, trying to rationalize. "Okay…if it really means that much to you…I will do it."

A bright smile flashed over her face. He hadn't had seen her smiling this way at him for month. Since she was dating Nick, it had been as if he was the only one she smiled for. And now this smile meant more than anything else to him. She had given him such a beautiful smile, it let him forget about the pain, the jealousy, the anger. It made him feel as if, for this moment there were only the two of them. The last time he had felt that close to her had been when she had told him about her family secret. In his heart and head he wished this moment would last forever, he wished that there would only be the two of them, without that job that he had always pretended to mean more to him than everything else, without their colleagues, without all that fear he had felt and still felt sometimes.

"Thank you so much!", she jumped off the chair and hugged him.

When she pressed herself against him, he felt that strong demand to kiss her, he struggled with himself to ignore this feeling, but it was impossible to not feel the way he felt right now.

He prayed she'd stop, he wished she'd pull away from him, but she didn't. Her arms were still around him, her head leaned against his shoulder, he could feel her breath on his skin. It drove him insane to feel that beautiful woman, he loved so much, so close to him, it drove him insane that he wasn't allowed to kiss her, to tell her how he felt for her, to show her how he felt for her, to show her that he needed her.

"Thank you so much Grissom.", she whispered softly into his ear. Her lips striped his skin when she did so, knowing holding back would be impossible if he wouldn't do something right now he pulled away from her.

The expression in her eyes reflected her confusion.

"I'm sorry…I…I have to get back to work.", he said softly.

"Okay.", she bite down on her bottom lip.

He hoped she'd leave his office, but she didn't, she remained staying where she had stood before, still looking at him while he took seat on his chair. He tried to ignore her, but it was impossible to ignore Sara Sidle. Sara Sidle, the soon Mrs. Nick Stokes, Sara Stokes. Not even her initials would change. But inside of him he knew that he'd prefer to call her Mrs. Grissom. Mrs. Gil Grissom, Sara Grissom.

"Are you okay?", she asked, sounding concerned.

"I am…sure I am. Why shouldn't I be?"

"You just seem to…feel bad."

"I'm fine."

"You don't have to do it…if you feel uncomfortable with that because you care more for me than you should you don't have to do it."

Had she just said what he had heard her saying. Was it so easy to see what he felt? Or did she just try to tease him? How to hell should she know? "What?…Sara I…why do you think I would…"

"…do you?"

"No!"

She nodded softly. "Fine…then everything's okay with us?"

He nodded softly, surprised that she seemed to be disappointed by his answer.

She left his office. When she had reached the hallway she turned around.

"Grissom…I …I think that you do sometimes…deny yourself…you should listen to what your heart tells you…sometimes the head is wrong. I know what I am talking about, believe me…I just realized that."

She left, leaving him back all confused. What did she mean with that? He jumped off his chair.

"Sara! Sara wait!", he hurried into the hallway, but she was already gone.

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END OF CHAPTER TWO


	3. breaking my own heart chapter 3

Next chapter …..what can I say about it….I somehow liked the end of it …..uh how I love symbolism…

…enjoy reading and please leave some reviews…that would be really nice -)

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

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**breaking my own heart**

chapter 3

Again and again she had asked him if he was okay, she asked him if he had already finished his speech, if he still felt comfortable. It drove him crazy to always tell her that everything was fine.

Especially today.

Today…her wedding. Her and Nick's wedding.

She stood in front of the big mirror in her hotel room. The ceremony took place in a beautiful, romantic hotel in Nick's hometown.

Sara had hoped to marry in Vegas, but Nick wanted to celebrate their wedding at his parent's house. So she had agreed.

She mustered herself again and again.

"You look great Sara…don't worry.", Grissom said softly, hoping his jealousy wouldn't make his voice sounding telltale.

She turned around to him. Her hair was pinned up, a few strands of hair fell down in curls on her shoulders. There were three white roses in her hair and her bridal bouquet was of white roses too. Her dress was long, silky, making her look like an angle. He had never imagined that she might look that beautiful.

"Grissom?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think he'll like it?"

"If he's not completely stupid…he'll love it."

"I'm nervous.", she walked over to him. "Put your arms around me and tell me that everything will be alright.", she said with a soft, pleading voice.

He wished he would have the strange to resist her plea, but seeing her that nervous, feeling that she had doubts, not wanting her to be sad, let him melt away. He put his arms around her, he pressed her against his chest softly, his hands caressing her back softly.

She was shivering, being aware of the fact that it was summer, he excluded the possibility that she was freezing.

"What's wrong Sara Honey?", he whispered. Had he just called her Honey?…he damned himself for being that careless.

Suddenly she buried her face in his shirt, her eyes had been filled with tears before, now she was crying bitterly. He hoped he could do anything to make her stop, he wished he could comfort her. But without knowing what was wrong he didn't know what to do. Sure he divined what was wrong…but even if it was what he thought it was, he wouldn't be able to change it…not now…it was too late. She twined her arms closer around his neck, pressing herself against his chest with all the power she had.

"I'm so …so stupid Grissom!"

Why to hell did she think she was stupid? Why? And why was she crying? This was supposed to be the best day of her life. In his heart the hope ,that she'd think that marrying Nick was wrong , raised. He knew that it wasn't fair…he knew that Nick loved her, he knew that Nick would make her happy and he knew that he could never make her happy.

"You are everything but stupid Sara! You are a beautiful, intelligent, young woman. And if nick wouldn't be the right one for you you'd realize it. But he's right. Sara he loves you."

"Is…is there a chance for me to…to…Grissom I…I have to know if…if there would ever be a chance for _us_."

"Who do you mean with us?", he asked nervous, knowing that she had meant him and her.

"This was a rhetorical question, right?"

Damn it, she knew him all too well. He nodded softly. "Sara…don't ask me something like this…please."

"Why not? Are you scared you couldn't manage to keep on pretending that you don't feel anything for me?"

"Sara…this is ridiculous."

"Why?"

"Because you are going to marry Nick in less than ninety minutes."

"Would there be a chance for us Grissom? Would there ever be a chance for us? Ever? Even if it would be in fifty years, would there be a chance for us Gil Grissom?"

Suddenly the door opened.

Bette, Elle and Tara, Sara's bridesmaids, entered the room.

"Hey Sara! What's wrong?", Elle asked her worried.

"I'm fine…really.", Sara said, forcing herself to smile, looking a little desperate at Grissom who was about to leave the room.

"I'll be outside with the others…call me if you need something Sara.", he said remaining in the door for a few more seconds. Hearing how Bette and Tara told Sara that they would re-do her makeup. Sara glanced over to Grissom.

He knew why she was looking over to him. He knew that she was still waiting for an answer.

He shook his head softly. Feeling his heart braking when she nodded and turned back to her friends.

She looked so beautiful. She was the woman he had always dreamed of. He knew she was the right one for him. He knew, that she would be the only woman he'd ever love. He knew he'd never ever be strong enough to fall in love with someone else. Never would he be able to go through that hell of feelings again. Knowing that he could never love Sara the way she deserved it, knowing that he could never show his feelings to her the way he was supposed to, knowing that he could never let her know about his feelings, because he knew that the fact that he then would have to confess to himself that there was no chance and this would destroy him even more than seeing her marrying Nick today, it would hurt him more than the fact that she had asked him to walk her down the aisle.

Now Elle had rearranged Sara's hair and Bette had re-done the make-up. Grissom took a last look at Sara, his Sara…his loved Sara, that would be Mrs. Nick Stokes soon.

He sighed softly, stepped out and closed that door behind him.

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END OF CHAPTER THREE


	4. breaking my own heart chapter 4

Okay…..looks a little like a lot text….but it's not……watch out for the next chaper.

…enjoy reading and please leave some reviews…that would be really nice -)

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

SPOILERS: all Seasons (including SEASON 5)

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**breaking my own heart**

chapter 4

Her hand rested on his arms, holding him, holding on to him as if she'd fall down to the ground otherwise. He felt that she was still nervous. Wondering if he was the only one that doubted this relationship, he finally started walking when the music began to play.

She took a deep breath, and glanced at him. He forced himself to smile. Wishing he would be waiting for her at the altar instead of Nick.

What would have happened if he would have done things otherwise in the past?

Would he maybe be someone else? Would he be with her now? What would have happened if he wouldn't have asked Sophia out for dinner?

Much too well he remembered Sara's reaction when she had overheard Sophia and Greg talking about 'the date'. It hadn't been a date…it really hadn't been a date. It had been a dinner, he and Sophia had never been more than friends, they never even had been real friends, it hadn't been a real friendship. Real friends…he wondered if he really had real friends. Except for Sara and Catherine no one new anything about him. Catherine was the only one he had always talked too…about almost everything. Loosing Catherine as a friend had been a slap in his face. Loosing Catherine as friend because of Ecklie had been more than just a loss of a friend, it had that bitter aftertaste of being defeated by his nemesis. This all had made Sara so much more important for him than she had already been. Or at least it finally had helped him to allow himself to let her mean more to him.

He wondered why he hadn't thought about the possibility that his dinner with Sophia could hurt Sara. He had thought that it would be totally clear that this was just a formal…farewell dinner. But he should have known better. Asking Sophia out for dinner, only a few days after Sara had told him about the reason of all her problems had been more than tasteless. But Sara had forgiven him. At least he hoped she had. But she had told him that she couldn't take it anymore. That he had hurt her too often. This were the two things that he always remembered when he thought about their discussion…no it had been more than a discussion. It had been a fight, a fight with tears and hurtful words. Words that had hurt him more than she ever realized. But he had realized that there had been so many situations, so many of his actions that had hurt her. She had never told him what had hurt her, she had never told him when…she had only said 'So often have you hurt me…so often without caring. Treating me like I mean everything to you one day and ignoring me the other day…Grissom do you think this is how I deserve to be treated by you?', he remembered the tears that were running down her cheek when she had screamed this at him. He remembered the demand to kiss these tears away, the demand to kiss her lips, her lips that had been shivering because of all the anger she had just let out.

He remembered what he had told a suspect once. He remembered that he had told him that he couldn't risk everything he had ever worked for, for her. When she had told him that she had overheard his conversation he had wished he would have been able to tell her about his true feelings.

He knew that it was even more hurting her that he had asked Sophia out for dinner since he had turned her dinner invitation down. Out of reason's that she still didn't know. Now he wished he would have told her about it. He wished he would have done a lot of things otherwise.

She glanced at him, squeezing his arm softly. He looked at her, forcing himself to smile.

"You're miles away, aren't you?", she whispered.

"Sorry.", he whispered back.

"Thanks for not letting me walk down here alone."

_Thanks for reminding me that this is a wedding...your wedding_he sighed.

He glanced around, realizing that they had almost reached the altar. He saw Nick, smiling brightly, tears in his eyes when he saw his beautiful wife to be, his bride, the woman that he would have the chance to love until death will do them apart. The woman that Grissom wanted so desperately to be his. Warrick, Greg and Nick's father stood next to Nick. Warrick must have noticed how Grissom felt, because he had that concerned look in his eyes, concerned that something stupid could happen. _No I won't do something stupid…I know this is the best thing for Sara. She has to be happy. I couldn't make her happy. All I can give her is a life alone, longing for the man she can never have because he's emotionally unavailable. Nick will make her happy. And if it takes me to be sad and alone to make her happy, I will be sad and alone for the rest of my life._

They had reached the altar. Grissom felt that she didn't let go off his arm. He caressed her hand softly with his other hand, then nodded softly at her and forced himself to smile. Finally she let go off his arm and stepped forward to Nick.

Tears ran over Nick's face. He kissed Sara softly on her forehead. And Grissom spotted tears on Sara's cheeks too.

Oh how he wished to be in Nick's shoes tonight and forever.

Is it stupid to want to be with the woman you love? Would it be stupid to tell her what I feel for her? All I did before was stupid! I should have told her that there could be a chance for us…but I destroyed that last chance! It could have been so easy…all I had to do was nodding…or saying a simple 'yes'. Damn it why am I the way I am?

He felt as uncomfortable as never before. The demand to run away grew bigger and bigger.

No it wasn't wrong to love her, it wasn't wrong to want her. It was his right to love her and even if he would loose his job, even if he would loose his life, he needed her. But it was too late. She stood there, facing nick, her husband to be, just a few more minutes and she would be married. And there was nothing he could do about it.

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END OF CHAPTER FOUR


	5. breaking my own heart chapter 5

Okay…..

…enjoy reading and please leave some reviews…that would be really nice -)

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

SPOILERS: all Seasons (including SEASON 5)

Many thanks to Nessa for helping me out with the ceremony speech!

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**breaking my own heart**

chapter 5

Grissom watched her, for a few seconds, feeling nub, not knowing what to do….not knowing if there was something he could do.

Sara looked so beautiful, like an angel. A sweet, beautiful angel. And he could do anything but watching her marrying someone else.

While all the others listened to the minister's speech, Grissom couldn't help but felt more and more uncomfortable.

Yes, he had done things wrong. He had done _a lot_ of things wrong. And he knew that nothing he could ever do would make this unhappen, but why wasn't he allowed to try, why did no one give him the chance to make her happy.

He swallowed hard, when he realized that she had given him enough chances, at least two in the last hour.

He stared down to the ground, staring and staring, hoping he would find an answer to his questions. Wondering if it was all destiny, if he maybe never had the chance to make her happy. Maybe it had all been planned. About one thing he was definitely sure, if this all had been planned before, he hated that plan, and he hated whomever had planned that.

Finally he realized that this thought had been nothing more than just another excuse. Another excuse for why he hadn't been able to show her his feelings. He had made too many excuses. Not only when it had come to her, but mostly. Whenever it had been all on him to show the feelings, he had turned around and ran away as fast as he could. He remembered the night when she had asked him out for dinner, and he had told her that he wouldn't know what to do about it. He had known. But showing his feelings, that had never been something he had liked, he had always tried to avoid those situations. And if he would have taken her out for dinner that night, he would have had to tell her about his hearing problem, he would have had to tell her about his surgery, his family. He would have had to tell her about his fears. Hell, he had been so scared of that surgery. He would have needed her there with him, but if she would have known, if she would have seen him scared, sad, maybe even crying, she would have lost that image of him. Now he wished she would have lost the image she had of him. He was not the emotionally unavailable man she thought he was. Sure he was emotionally unavailable, but he _had _his _reasons_ for this. Reasons he could have explained to her…but explaining would have meant telling her why…and he couldn't tell her why because of _these reasons_. He knew that all those thoughts in his head made no sense at all. She drove him crazy, he was so crazy about her, he had never felt something like this before. He had never been in love before. And he wished she'd know that he loved her. He wished he could simply jump up, ran over to her and tell her that he loved her. Now….NOW he felt able to tell her. This was really the most inappropriate moment ever, but he couldn't help it. He had never, never ever felt able to talk about his feelings for her to someone else, and it had always been inconceivable for him to ever find the strength, the courage to tell her.

"… to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace.", the minister stopped for a second, but for everyone in the room this second seemed to last for at least twenty minutes. Warrick, and Greg stared at Grissom and so did all the others that knew about whatever had ever happened between him and Sara. Grissom felt the demand to raise and say something, but could he really do this? Was he really sure? Yes he was. But could he do this to Nick? Love isn't a fair game. _If I don't try it now I'll never find out! _He wondered if he should wait for a sign. Sara looking at him with a pleading expression in her eyes maybe was a sign. But was he looking that way at him because he wanted him to say something or because she hoped he'd keep his mouth shut.

_If I don't try it know I will never find out! Damn it! Do it!_

Milliseconds before the minister intended to start again, he stood up. Feeling that the whole room stared at him, feeling all those shocked looks around him, feeling that if looks could kill the next big event would be his funeral, big, only if someone would show up after this, he was close to loose his new won courage.

"Don't marry him Sara!", his voice was strong, which surprised him. He had been sure that not a single vocal would go over his lips. The confused expression in Sara's eyes forced him to say more. "Sara I love you! Please…you asked me if I'd see a chance for us…and I do see one!"

Nick's father was about to run over to Grissom, his expression said more than thousand words. If Warrick wouldn't have hold him back he'd probably killed Grissom with his bare hands.

Sara's eyes wandered from Grissom to Nick, from Nick back to Grissom. She bite down on her lip, glanced at the still shocked Nick and took a deep breath. "I….I…."

Grissom prayed she'd walk down to him, he wished she'd leave Nick. He had never been that scared before. He felt how his heart bet faster and faster, and he was sure, that if it would take her longer than a few seconds to decide what she'd do now, he'd get a heart attack…or he'd simply die because he forgot to breath.

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END OF CHAPTER FIVE

I'll promise a new chapter will be on soon ...I hope you liked the story so far...some reviews would be really realy nice -)


	6. breaking my own heart chapter 6

Okay…..

…enjoy reading and please leave some reviews…that would be really nice -)

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

SPOILERS: all Seasons (including SEASON 5)

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**breaking my own heart**

chapter 6

It was as if the whole room needed CPR, no one said anything. Then Bette and Elle gained back their conscience Bette jumped up and ran to Grissom. "Are you crazy? Are you totally crazy!", she shouted. And Elle began to slap Grissom with her handbag as soon as she had reached him. Something that Nick's father obviously liked to see. The urge to kill Grissom with his bare hands seemed to grow bigger and bigger.

Warrick shot an angry and shocked look at Grissom, Greg couldn't help but laughed softly, his grin now made Nick's father even more furious.

Nick finally managed to swallow the demand to kill Grissom and turned to his fiancée. "Sara is that true?", he asked with a surprisingly calmed voice.

Sara bite down on her bottom lip, obviously hoping she could avoid to answer that question.

"Sara, damn it, is it true that you asked him if there's still a chance for the two of you!", Now Nick shouted. His anger and his frustration had taken control over his actions. He grabbed Sara on her both upper arms and agitated her harshly. "Is that true!"

Gladly Warrick stopped him, Sara fell down to the ground. Greg helped her up.

She stared at Nick, unbelieving and confused.

"Is that true!", he shouted again.

She nodded softly. "Yes…I'm sorry Nicky!"

"Don't call me Nicky!"

"Nick!...I never meant to hurt you!"

"Uhm…sorry…Miss, are you going to…I mean…do you wish to cancel the ceremony or do you want to continue?", the minister asked.

"Even if she would want to continue….I don't want to! I don't want to see you ever again! You damned…", Nick shouted, Sara cut him off.

"…great! You know what! I wouldn't have wanted to continue anyways!", she shouted back.

Grissom had finally managed to get Bette and Elle off of him. They tried to catch him when he ran out of the room, but gave up soon.

Grissom waited outside of the building, not knowing for what or for whom he waited, he sat down on the stairs. Would she come here? Would she want to talk to him after he had blown her wedding ceremony up? Probably she hated him now…what if she never wanted to see him again, because Nick was angry at her, and it was his fault. He alone was responsible for that mess.

Thee door behind him opened. He refused to turn around, too scared that this wasn't her. But he could tell by the sound of the footsteps that it _was_ her. She sat down next to him, he looked at her, hoping she wouldn't slap him.

Her hand stroke over his face. He hadn't recognized that it was hurting until he now felt her soft touch on it. These handbags had been heavy.

"Does it hurt?", Sara asked softly.

He nodded. "Yeah…I bet I'll get two black eyes."

"Good.", she said sounding as cold as she had never sounded before.

Grissom swallowed hard, she hated him.

"I'm sorry Sara! This was the most inappropriate moment ever…I am so sorry!", he said desperately, hoping at least a part of her would forgive him.

"The most inappropriate moment would have been during our honeymoon. So don't worry about that…you could have been worse."

Again he swallowed hard, wishing he'd know what was going on in her head, wishing he could read her thoughts.

"Grissom don't get me wrong…I'm not angry at you…I just…don't know how to deal with this…you said that…you said that Nick would be the perfect man for me. I asked you if he would be and you said YES….and now you…now you blow up my wedding ceremony? How do I have to understand this?"

"Sara, Honey,…I…I know I told you he'd be the perfect man for you, and I know I said that…I said that you should marry him and that I don't think that there'd be a chance for us…I said this because I was afraid…I was afraid to loose you."

"That makes no sense at all!...I thought marrying Nick would mean you'd loose me."

"It would, but it would have been worse, if I would have told you that I don't think he's right and that I think that we have a chance, and you would have married him even so. I knew that this would be worse for me…it would probably have killed me….I…but when I walked you down the aisle and when I set on that chair, watching you and him…and then I saw the expression in your eyes when the minister said that ….I mean….I….I realized that I was breaking my own heart. I knew the only chance to ever win you back was now. The last chance ever. I knew it was now or never and…I listened to what my heart told me. I never meant to hurt you and I am sorry if I did."

"You hurt me before…but today…it's not like the usual way you hurt me…it's…It's on a strange level …I don't know how to describe it."

Grissom nodded softly. "What are you going to do now?", he asked, scared that her answer might be 'trying to fix things with Nick' or 'leaving Vegas…I can't stand it anymore there' He could hear his heart beating, breathing got harder and harder.

"I…I don't know…honestly, I think for the first time in my life I don't know what to do next…I always had some kind of idea of what to do…but there's nothing this time…I…I don't know.", she sounded desperate and confused.

Grissom swallowed hard…this was all his fault. Now she felt bad, because of him. He hated himself for hurting her. So often he had hurt her…it should have been clear to him that she wouldn't forgive him. He looked at her feeling totally helpless. He wanted to put his arms around her, he wanted to comfort her…but he knew she would probably push him away anyway.

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END OF CHAPTER SIX


	7. breaking my own heart chapter 7

Okay…..

…enjoy reading and please leave some reviews…that would be really nice -)

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

SPOILERS: all Seasons (including SEASON 5)

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**breaking my own heart**

chapter 7

He felt so helpless, knowing that she felt helpless because of him. Just when he was close to put his arms around her, she turned to him.

"Bette and Elle told me to kill you.", she said staring on the steps in front of her.

Grissom grimaced.

"But Tara told me to get the hell out of that room and to find you."

"That's nice…I always knew she had a thing for me."

Sara grinned.

"What?…is this bad for me?"

Sara laughed softly. "Grissom…you are so…"

"…hot?"

Sara's expression said everything. She was shocked but also amused by his comment.

Grissom laughed softly. "Just one question, what is going to happen now?"

"I already told you that I don't know."

Grissom nodded softly and swallowed hard. "Sorry."

"No…I am sorry. But I honestly don't know…I only know that the three of us are colleagues! I know that everything between us will change!…and I am afraid that it will be bad at all!"

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to fix things with Nick?"

"No…I bet he don't want to neither."

At least something. He didn't feel relieved, but this was a beginning.

She stared down on her feet. Then she took off her shoes.

"You want me to give you a ride home?"

"I have to find a hotel…I don't think neither Nick nor his parents want to see me on their ranch again."

"You can stay at my room…I mean, just for the case that you don't find…"

That bright smile in her face confused him.

"What?", she asked still smiling.

She must have recognized that confused expression in his face.

"You already regret that offer?"

"No...I…"

She laughed softly, then she stood up. She rearranged her dress and then reached her hand out for his. He took her hand and she helped him back on his feet.

"Do you already know how you get back to Vegas?"

"How should I? Do you think I planned this?"

"No."

"Did you plan this?"

He giggled. "No."

"Then why do you think I already got a flight back to Vegas?"

"Because you are Sara Sidle."

"Then Sara Sidle acted pretty much out of character today.", she said grinning.

"I guess we both did."

"Well…I know you wouldn't let me marry him."

"You did?"

She smiled brightly. "You always think people don't know you, do you?"

"Normally they don't know me."

"You came here by car did you?"

"Yeah…I don't like airplanes."

"Liar."

"What?"

"You like flying…and the fact that you came here by car tells me that you planned to blow up that ceremony…you wanted to be sure you wouldn't be lynched by someone on the flight back and you knew I'd need a ride home if I'd decide to brake up with Nick."

"Am I really that predictable?"

She caressed his hand softly with her thumb. "Take me home, will you?"

He nodded softly and then lay his left arm around her waist while they walked to his car. He pressed her softly against his side. She smiled and squeezed his hand softly.

He only let go off her hand when he had opened the car door for her and had helped her into the car.

When he had climbed into the car on his side he took her hand again and squeezed it softly.

"Grissom?", she asked softly after they had been driving in silence for a while.

He turned his head to her. "Yeah?"

"What do you think will happen now?...I mean…at work…how am I supposed to…handle this."

"Handle what?…Be happy that you and Nick don't work on the same shift …and try to not pass his way that often…at least that will be what I am going to do."

"And what about us?", she asked staring down on her hands, playing with the engagement ring she still wore on her ring finger.

"Well…I told you what I feel for you…it's all up to you now.", he said softly, somehow in a disappointed way. When he realized that it was already to late, he wondered why his voice had sounded disappointed. There was no reason to be disappointed. She was here with him now, not married to Nick.

"Grissom...", she took a deep breath. "I don't know what to feel right now. I mean…I…"

"…It's okay."

"No it's not…Grissom I waited years…I desperately waited years to get to know what you feel for me…but you never told me. I could see it in the way you looked at me, but you never told me. And this wasn't enough for me, that was why I turned to Nick…because he could show and tell me what he felt…now when you told me what you feel for me I should be able to tell you what I feel for you, I have to tell you, because I know how much it must hurt you…", tears ran down her cheeks.

"…Sara…it's okay. You have all the time in the world."

She looked out of the window, watching the trees and fields flying by. She wiped the tears away from her cheeks with the back of her hand. Then she took off the engagement ring.

"I…I have to give this back to him…", she swallowed hard. "Grissom I hate myself for hurting him."

Grissom swallowed hard. Did she regret it?

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END OF CHAPTER SEVEN

A big SORRY to those who thought this might be a SARA/NICK story……I'm a GSR fan…so there was honestly no other way than letting this become a GSR story.


	8. breaking my own heart chapter 8

Okay…..

…enjoy reading and please leave some reviews…that would be really nice -)

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

SPOILERS: all Seasons (including SEASON 5)

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**breaking my own heart**

chapter 8

They entered his hotel room. Sara let herself fall on the queen sized bed, she stretched out and tried to relax while Grissom changed his clothes.

When he had finished and left the bathroom he found her standing in front of him, wrapped into a blanket. Her dress lay on a chair in a corner of the room.

"I had to take off this dress. I hope you don't mind.", she said softly.

Sure he didn't mind. But he knew, it would be more than hard to resist the temptation to carry her to his bed and to pin her down on the mattress. It would be hard enough to keep his hands off of her anyways.

The way she smiled at him right now didn't make it all easier. Suddenly her hand began to caress his cheek.

They looked deep into each other's eyes. He felt that they were drawn to each other. Their lips were so close to each other that he could tell how soft hers were. Then she put her arms around his neck.

"Gil, I love you.", she whispered softly into his ear when she snuggled herself against his chest.

This was probably the best thing she could ever say to him. He felt his heart beating hard, it was hard to keep his breath calmed. He caressed her neck with his one hand and hold her close to him with his other hand. He swallowed the tears that were about to rise up in his eyes.

Her head rested on his shoulder, her lips softly touched his neck. He shivered softly, when , obviously on purpose, her lips rested on his skin and she opened her mouth softly. Then her tongue licked over his skin softly. Her left hand now rested on his neck and she caressed it softly with her thumb. On the right side of his neck her lips still kissed him.

Then he took her face into his hands and made her facing him. He caressed her cheek softly with his thumb. Then he kissed her, first softly, then passionately. The moment that she deepened the kiss was the best one in his life so far.

His strong hands stroke up and down her back. The thin blanket let him feel the softness of her skin. He wished that this wouldn't still be the same day. He wished the day he blew up her wedding ceremony would already be weeks ago. He wanted to make love to her. He wanted to do it now, but he knew he couldn't, not today.

Her hands caressed his chest, she began to unbutton his shirt. He pulled away from her.

"What's wrong?", she asked, he could see her confusion in her eyes.

"It's…Sara we…that's too fast."

"Okay.", she said softly and turned away from him.

"Sara…don't get me wrong, please."

"What should I get wrong? It's okay."

"I just…"

"…Don't worry. Please."

He nodded softly. She twined her arms around him and kissed him softly on his cheek.

"Would you do me a favor?" , she asked softly, sounding a little nervous.

"I'd do everything for you."

A smile flashed over her lips. "Could you borrow me your cell? I have to call Greg, I need some clothes."

Grissom handed her his cell phone and walked over to his bed.

He heard her talking to Greg without really listening. He lay down on the bed, laying on his back, his head lying on his arms. He stared up to the ceiling, then he closed his eyes.

When he woke up it was dark outside. He reached over to the other side of the bed. Hoping she'd maybe lie next to him, but she didn't. He turned on the lights. She wasn't there. He left his bed, searched for her in the bathroom. She was gone. He felt his heart beating faster and faster. Had she regret her decision? Did she leave to go back to Nick? Had Greg told her to go back? He swallowed hard, the urge to shout her name out loud grew bigger and bigger. He tried to calm down, maybe she was just out for walk. Or she was downstairs having dinner. He searched for any written messages in the room, but there were none.

He left the room, now totally in panic. He ran down the stairs, searching for her in the lobby, the restaurant and the pool room. Then he ran into the entrance hall, asking at the reception if she had left a message, or if she had maybe taken herself an own hotel room. But again, no trace of her.

He ran upstairs to his room again. He searched for his cell phone and dialed Greg's number.

"Yeah?"

"Greg…it's Grissom."

"Hey."

"Listen Greg….did you bring Sara her clothes today?"

"She called me yes…and I brought her her stuff."

"And do you know what she did then?"

"uhm…Grissom I…"

"…Greg, where is she?", Grissom almost screamed.

"She's at the farm."

"What is she doing there?"

"She said that she wants to talk to Nick and if I could take her there, so I did."

Grissom didn't know if he should feel relieved or if he should be even more concerned.

"Do you know if she will…"

"…Grissom I know nothing."

Grissom sighed. "Okay…thanks." Grissom hang up and sat down on the bed.

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END OF CHAPTER EIGHT


	9. breaking my own heart chapter 9

Okay…..I hope you liked the earlier chapters (g)

…enjoy reading and please leave some reviews…that would be really nice -)

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

SPOILERS: all Seasons (including SEASON 5)

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**breaking my own heart**

chapter 9

He stopped his car in the parking lot in front of Nick's parents ranch. He left the car, well knowing, that if he could make it to the entrance door, without being killed, he still had to pass Nick's father, his mother…and everybody else. But he had to talk to Sara, he needed to see her, he needed to know why she had left the hotel room, he needed to know why she was here.

He had made his way to the veranda, when the door opened.

The next thing he remembered was laying on the ground, in the dust of the parking lot. Nick kneeled on him and punched him into his stomach. Grissom tried to get him off of him, but Nick was too furious and aroused. Grissom felt the pain of Nick's fists, one punch hit him in the face. He felt how his nose broke, then his head sank down to the ground and he lost his conscience.

When he gained conscience again, he felt cold water on his face, he opened his eyes. All the pain he had felt was forgotten when he saw Sara leaning over him, now he felt her soft hands caressing his cheek. With her other hand she softly pressed a cold watered rag on his forehead. He ignored the taste of blood in his moth. He couldn't help, only the view of her let him smile brightly.

"Bastard!", Nick shouted. He stood a few meters away from them. Warrick did his best to calm him down, gladly he managed to hold him back from jumping down on Grissom again.

"Are you okay?", Sara asked Grissom worried.

"As long as you are here I am.", he whispered.

She forced herself to smile, but Grissom could see that tears were rising up in her eyes.

He reached up to caress her cheek, but she pulled away. "We should go Grissom, let's go back to the hotel.", she whispered softly.

He nodded. She helped him back on his feet.

"I'll drive, give me your keys."

He nodded softly and handed his keys to her. He saw that her hands were shaking. He wanted to put his arms around her, but he knew, that would have been even harder for Nick.

Sara brought him to his car, helped him to take seat on the passengers seat and helped him to buckle up his seatbelt.

"I'll be right back. I've got to get my suitcases."

"I'll help you.", he offered.

"No…you stay here! I'll lock the car…I wont let him go after you again."

"You don't have to treat me like…"

"Grissom, he could have killed you.", she said worried, then closed the door, locked the car and ran into the house.

Grissom leaned back on the seat, trying to swallow the pain, but the only thing he swallowed was the blood in his mouth. He grimaced, knowing he would have to get checked by a doctor. His nose was obviously broken and the pain from his chest promised at least two broken rips.

He saw how Warrick dragged the still furious Nick back into the house. He hoped Nick wouldn't lay a hand on Sara, knowing that he sure wouldn't. Well knowing, that if he would, he'd kill him with his bare hands.

After a few minutes that seemed to be hours, Sara left the house, one big bag hanging around her shoulder, one suitcase in each of her hand. He wished he could help her carrying the suitcases to the car, but due to the locked doors and his headache he decided that any try to help her would be in vain, she wouldn't let him help her anyway.

She opened the trunk of the SUV and put her suitcases into it. Then she entered the car and took seat on the drivers seat. She stroke softly over his arm, caressed him and then squeezed his hand softly.

"It's over.", she said softly. "I told him that I love you…and that I…that I always loved you more than everybody else, I said him that I am sorry for hurting him…I said, a lot…but…I don't think he really listened to me."

He smiled softly. "So…you now know what you…want to do?", he asked still concerned that, although she had now officially broken up with nick, wouldn't stay with him.

She nodded. "I want to be with you.", she said softly and squeezed his hand carefully. "We have to take you to the hospital."

"I'm okay honey."

"You're bleeding."

He sighed. "I am okay as long as you are with me."

She started the engine and they left the parking lot.

While she was driving he watched her. Every single move was observed by him.

The way her eyes glanced over the street, the way she turned on the radio. The way the air blow through her hair when she had opened the car window.

"Sara?"

She glanced at him. "Yeah?"

"When I woke up and you weren't there anymore, I thought you had left to…", his voice became sad.

Sara swallowed hard. "Grissom…I love you. I…I will be with you as long as you want me to be with you. I know that I will always love you."

"Would you…stay with me and love me until death does us apart?"

Sara pulled the car to the side of the street, she stopped and turned off the engine. She stared at him, swallowed hard and stroke a strand of hair out of her face. "Okay…let me get that straight Grissom…have you just asked me what I think you asked me?"

He nodded softly. "Sara I know…this is maybe way too fast, because…because the day that I told you that I love you, was….yesterday….but Sara I love you since…years, and I know that you came to Vegas because of me. Because you…"

"…because I had a serious crush on you."

He grinned. "Will you marry me Sara?"

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END OF CHAPTER NINE

okay guys, just one more chapter to go ...I hope you enjoyed it so far


	10. breaking my own heart chapter 10

A little change in the 10th chapter….this one is from Sara's POV.

I hope you like it anyway.

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly!)

SPOILERS: all Seasons (including SEASON 5)

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**breaking my own heart**

epilogue

"Sometimes it feels like ages have gone by. The day that he had blown up the wedding ceremony seems so far away.

I'd lie if I'd say that my life hasn't changed, though my feelings never did. I realize that I had still loved him, although I lived with Nick, although Nick and I wanted to marry…and I really wanted to marry him. But I think I hadn't been in love with him at all. It had just felt so right, or better said good, to be loved.

I had always loved Gil more than everything else. And I still love him more than my own life.

Things changed.

Sometimes I think about the past and wonder if I would be as happy as I am now, if I would have married Nick.

All I think then, is that what ever would have happened on that ceremony, when the minister had asked me if I want to love him and support him, through good and bad times, until death does us apart, I would have said 'no'. Why? Because deep in my heart I always knew that I could never really love Nick. That sounds hard. And it is, I don't want to discuss that. I can't make it unhappen, I can't turn back time. And I honestly don't want to, because I believe that people grow and learn from their actions, from their mistakes.

So did I.

Nick did.

Gil did.

I learned that, denying my feelings, pretending to myself that I could get over the love of my life…wont make me happier. Now I am happy. Even if there were hard times we had to go through. We managed them together. In good and bad times, that was what we had promised each other, not in front of God, but in front of Elvis. Yes Elvis….when we had returned to Vegas the first place we went to was a wedding chapel. Maybe that was too fast…but honestly, we didn't care about that.

Nick realized that I would have never been really happy with him. We're good friends now. Better friends than we had been before. I know people always say 'and we will stay friends' and never really mean it…but we really are. We had to get along with each other. We work together…and we still do. I think Nick realized that he had somehow always known that Gil and I are meant to be together. He accepted our relationship, and so did all the others.

And about Gil, I think Gil learned the most in this past six month. He learned to open up himself, he learned to talk about his feelings, at least to me…I could tell a lot more about that…but I think that…he would like to keep private things private.

We're still newly weds, and that's just the way we behave. Gladly we never got caught during our several, not youth free actions during our brakes in his office or…well, privacy.

In a few month our lives will change, because then we wont be alone anymore. I still don't know how to get this all straight, because I really don't have any practice in those things…children had never been my thing. But like I said…we change, we learn, we grow up.

And whatever life holds in its hands for us. I believe that there is a reason for everything that happens. A reason for the things that decide where our lives go.

Can we change these?

I don't know, but I know that life definitely is a roller coaster. And so is love.

I know that as long as we listen to our hearts, we wont ever be able to regret our actions. Listening to your heart is the only right thing you can do when it comes to love, otherwise you'll end up breaking your own heart."

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THE END

Okay, the end is a little…..weird…..maybe, I don't know how to describe this.

I hope you liked that story anyway…

I loved to read your reviews….and I want to thank everybody who reviewed this story and encouraged me to keep on writing.

I can't promise you that, but maybe I will write a sequel, tell me if you want one.


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